Hola, Blog.
Life is going swell. I have no philosophical or esoteric outpourings for today. Just simple facts. (at least, that's my plan. somehow I always end up writing some prolonged dissertation on my absurd little life...)
So, I've finally made a firm decision:
I am NOT becoming an RA. but I am, however, going to work at Captel, :) which is a phone-captioning service for hard-of-hearing folks--and coincidentally, a company that provides employment for a large percentage of the student body at UWM. It's been a rough and tumultuous decision, but overall, it makes the most sense. My parents had already offered to pay for housing for my first two years. A majority of one's compensation as an RA is free housing (around a $5000 value)... the rest consisting of a free meal plan and a monthly stipend of $250. This is excellent, but if my parents offered to pay, why not take advantage of it? My dad told me that he would not necessarily be able to help in future years, to make up for the money he saved while I was an RA. The risk didn't seem worth it... Besides, working at Captel, I can actually begin to save money for the future. I can't "save" my free housing for the future...
I may still become an RA in the future (even though I've become pretty disgusted with the behavior of my fellow residents).
It all depends.
As far as majors, things are clearing up a bit.
Basically, I have it narrowed down to two broad categories:
either language or music.
This helps, but it still doesn't remove the gravity of the decision. I'm still conflicted. but at least the options aren't as staggering as they once were.
My most grandiose dream is this:
to major in French and Applied Linguistics, and then become a teacher of English in France. that would be incredible... whether or not it's plausible, I'm not sure.
last Monday, as my father was driving me back to school, I was talking about majors again. something slipped out of my mouth which inadvertently clarified things:
"I wouldn't mind remaining in academia for the rest of my life."
it's strange, once I put that feeling into words, my existence felt a bit more clear... as though I had finally chosen a path.
For a long time, I wanted to admit that being a professor and basically remaining in school forever would be a pretty fantastic thing. I wouldn't admit it, because I was so caught up in doing something "tangible" for the world. and who can blame me? my father's an engineer. Every time I brought up majoring in something abstract like Literature or a foreign language or Linguistics, he'd always raise an eyebrow, and question the validity of such degrees.
But I just know that I have an undying passion for learning, and that I really do want to learn for the rest of my life. and, the best way to continue learning is by teaching.
so, perhaps, I've come full circle.
but who really knows what the future holds for me?
all I have is my passion and my curiosity. As long as I have that, I'm set.
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."
-Bernard Shaw
ALSO: MAY I JUST REITERATE HOW UPSET I AM when I find that my posts are spammed by weird Asian websites?!?! I get so excited, because I see that one of my posts has a comment. unfortunately, I just get a weird message in characters that I can't understand, directing me to some porn website... :(
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Fancy words, cyclical thoughts.
Decide.
It’s a much harsher word than you expect. Originates from Latin. The “-cide” ending basically indicates some kind of cutting off or “killing.” You’ll note it in other words such as “suicide,” (killing oneself) “homocide,” (killing someone else) “parricide,” (killing one’s parents)… the list goes on and on. So how does it apply to our harmless little verb “decide”? Good question. When combined with the prefix “-de,” (a French preposition meaning “from”) the etymological meaning of the word runs something like “to choose from,” or “to cut off from.” The actual action of “deciding” is interpreted as choosing one destiny by cutting off (“killing”) the other. It sounds pretty drastic, but, on the whole of it, it’s pretty damn accurate. It makes that harmless little verb so much more difficult and scary. I am not merely picking one option over another; I am in fact killing off the other path, so that it can never live again! How frightening! I don’t want to burn all bridges; I want to make one decision in hopes that, if necessary, some other decision may be brought to life. I can’t kill it off completely! How drastic!
But then again, this is all cyclical, and points back to my desire for everything, my love of life, my ceaseless curiosity. Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about all the things I want. The list was endless… I can’t have everything. I must kill some destinies, let them lie sleeping forever. Some were never meant to be.
But I can’t! I can’t make a decision! I want to always have the freedom! I want a little bit of everything. No, I want a lot of everything. I want it all…
And thus, my conundrum…
I am still reconsidering the RA position, despite having turned in the acceptance form. I can still back out, but I’m afraid of the repercussions. It may mean not being hired by University Housing in the future. But I can’t say that for sure. Some friends have told me that they’ll appreciate my ability to step down, and to understand that perhaps I should not, at this point in my life, have this job.
I wish I could list all the pros and cons, but I’ve done so endlessly, and concretely outlining them doesn’t seem to have any intrinsic value. It would just heighten the confusion. I know this isn’t as huge of a deal as choosing a major (don’t even get me started on that), but it’s just another example of my inability to make firm decisions. The second I have chosen something, I second-guess it ad nauseum, until I question what I even wanted in the first place. It’s sickening. I don’t need help doing the things I do. I do many things very well. I just need help choosing what to do. Sometimes I long for the days when everything was in fact spelled out for you… you would do what your father did, on the same land, in the same place, forever. It sounds so terrible now, but the infinite choices are sometimes just as scary. I love the freedom. It’s nice to be able to choose whatever I want. At the same time, it’s overwhelming.
It’s a much harsher word than you expect. Originates from Latin. The “-cide” ending basically indicates some kind of cutting off or “killing.” You’ll note it in other words such as “suicide,” (killing oneself) “homocide,” (killing someone else) “parricide,” (killing one’s parents)… the list goes on and on. So how does it apply to our harmless little verb “decide”? Good question. When combined with the prefix “-de,” (a French preposition meaning “from”) the etymological meaning of the word runs something like “to choose from,” or “to cut off from.” The actual action of “deciding” is interpreted as choosing one destiny by cutting off (“killing”) the other. It sounds pretty drastic, but, on the whole of it, it’s pretty damn accurate. It makes that harmless little verb so much more difficult and scary. I am not merely picking one option over another; I am in fact killing off the other path, so that it can never live again! How frightening! I don’t want to burn all bridges; I want to make one decision in hopes that, if necessary, some other decision may be brought to life. I can’t kill it off completely! How drastic!
But then again, this is all cyclical, and points back to my desire for everything, my love of life, my ceaseless curiosity. Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about all the things I want. The list was endless… I can’t have everything. I must kill some destinies, let them lie sleeping forever. Some were never meant to be.
But I can’t! I can’t make a decision! I want to always have the freedom! I want a little bit of everything. No, I want a lot of everything. I want it all…
And thus, my conundrum…
I am still reconsidering the RA position, despite having turned in the acceptance form. I can still back out, but I’m afraid of the repercussions. It may mean not being hired by University Housing in the future. But I can’t say that for sure. Some friends have told me that they’ll appreciate my ability to step down, and to understand that perhaps I should not, at this point in my life, have this job.
I wish I could list all the pros and cons, but I’ve done so endlessly, and concretely outlining them doesn’t seem to have any intrinsic value. It would just heighten the confusion. I know this isn’t as huge of a deal as choosing a major (don’t even get me started on that), but it’s just another example of my inability to make firm decisions. The second I have chosen something, I second-guess it ad nauseum, until I question what I even wanted in the first place. It’s sickening. I don’t need help doing the things I do. I do many things very well. I just need help choosing what to do. Sometimes I long for the days when everything was in fact spelled out for you… you would do what your father did, on the same land, in the same place, forever. It sounds so terrible now, but the infinite choices are sometimes just as scary. I love the freedom. It’s nice to be able to choose whatever I want. At the same time, it’s overwhelming.
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