Something short.

Life is beautiful, as cliche as that sounds. It's just so incredibly terrifying sometimes.

Qu'est-ce que vous faites dans la vie?

So my mom just got a Happy New Year e-mail from her sister in Europe. Whenever anything remotely related to my mother's culture is brought up, I get really, really excited. I grabbed the e-mail and tried to translate it myself. Unfortunately, "Serbo-Croatian" is not exactly a Romance language, so there are very few English cognates. What I mean is that it's nothing like Spanish or French. Even if you've ever taken a year of either, you can look at a text and get a vague idea as to what is being discussed.
But with Serbo-Croatian (or more simply, Serbian) there are fewer such words. It's a Slavic language, so if anything it would have lots of Russian cognates.
I could still get a very vague idea as to what SOME of the sentences meant.

Anyway, so my mom and I just got to talking about cultures and languages as we often do. She was saying that she'd love for the whole family to head over to Serbia someday to visit other relatives there. I thought that would be an amazing experience.
and then I myself got to thinking about what an amazing experience it would be to see Europe at all. I've never left the United States. Ever.
Except for one trip to Niagra Falls in years beyond remembrance. So realistically, to my own knowledge and memory, I've never left.

Honestly, sometimes all I want to do is just learn tons and tons of languages and live in different cities. And maybe as a job I could just translate some scripts, or novels, or letters, or God knows what else. And maybe I could write in my spare time.
That would be fantastic for me.

To me, I think it is so amazing that we have hundreds of ways to express ourselves as human beings. There are so many languages out there. And to me, it seems like such a sad thought that a creature would go from cradle to casket knowing only one language.


Sometimes when I write blogs like this, I wonder why the fuck I am not going into Cultural Anthropology, or History, or Linguistics, or SOMETHING, because clearly anything relating to human culture fascinates me to no end.


And, to be completely honset, a part of me wants to just completely throw caution to the wind, and book some flights and hotels to Europe this summer.
The only reason I wouldn't do so is because I need to save up for college... because education is the most important thing right?

but at the same time, I wonder how true that is.
sometimes I just feel like my education is getting in the way of my actual learning, which is kind of a horrifying thought.

sometimes the thought of just saying "FUCK YOU COLLEGE" and running away to do my own thing (whatever that "thing" happens to be at the time) is exhilarating. liberating. amazing.
part of the reason I can't do this is because I've lived my entire life trying to uphold the ideal that education is the most important thing in human endeavors. and realisitically, it is. Knowledge acquisition is the most important and amazing thing about our own existence, in my opinion. just the way we go about it varies from individual to individual.


I can honestly say that my first semester at Madison was not all it was cracked up to be. Academically speaking of course. (perhaps socially too, who knows...)
I feel like I've learned infinitely more in five minutes of a high school English class than I did in endless hours of college lectures.

the only knowledge that I know will stick with me was from my French class. and I don't need to go to college to learn a language.

I don't know. I kind of feel like a heretic or a rebel for talking down about education.

I'm just really confused.


Qu'est-ce que vous faites dans la vie?
What do you do in life?

a question that has stuck in my head so vividly this past semester... so many decisions.

I know that I have time to figure things out. but I just wish I had clear direction now... I don't want to wait. I want my life to begin... I want to start working toward something tangible.

Ah, the cynic...

So I have not blogged in quite some time. I did write up a halfway interesting little entry a few weeks ago, but I considered it prudent to remove from viewing, due to its relatively graphic and personal nature.
And it is unfortunate that now, as I sit down to blog again, such negative energies would return to me, but alas, it's happened.


A few days ago, I ran into a little incident on Facebook which left me feeling a little anxious and jaded. I will not mention the very particulars about the incident, for multiple reasons.
Long story short, I ended up arguing furiously with someone else's MOTHER about some ignorant comments she had posted onto her own daughter's wall.


The whole ordeal was very disheartening. It made me lose so much faith in the human species. And even more specifically, in organized religion. And yes, I used to have great hopes in organized religion.
For, as often as it unnecessarily brainwashes and antagonizes the freest of minds, it is also a source of excellent community contributions and family gatherings. I grew to like the "idea" of church so much more than the actual doctrines of church. The individual doctrines--I found--were contradictory and unjust, unfair and illogical. But I, much like my mother, took comfort in the familiar routine of church... Getting the whole family together, dressing up, picking up grandma, going out to breakfast...

Regardless, it's safe to say that I used to consider church AT LEAST something tolerable.

however, after this incident, I no longer hold such views.


The woman I argued with was relentless. She did not back down at all. Even when I told her that her actions were "neither Christ-like nor inspiring," her only reponse was "if you are agnostic, why do you care?" But alas, ma'am, you have misdirected your question. The more important question is turned around onto you: If you are Christian, why do you NOT care about how your actions reflect on to other people? During the fourteen years of my WELS indoctrination and brain-washing, it was drilled into my head that our actions must always reflect "the light of Christ." And that we should, consequently be very careful of how we appear to others.
(Matthew 5:16 "Let your light shine before men, that others may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.")

I was absolutely appalled that this woman was so utterly unmoved by how her actions affected me, as a struggling agnostic. If she really gave two shits, she could have at least said, "I am sorry, but I am not called upon to be perfect. I too am a sinner."
but in her rebuttal, she expressed no such apologies. She thought that she was completely right in her actions. completely and utterly right.

the arrogance and self-certainty is disgusting.

Not only that, but later, she continued to mock me on her daughter's wall (adding that she had "learned so many hyperboles from that snot-nosed kid!")
what a complete slap in the face.

I spoke to that woman eloquently and calmly. I used polysyllabic and powerful words. I did not curse. I did not swear. I did not even use THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.
and she mocks me for it. She mocks me for my articulateness.

Utterly shocking. and if I had completely cussed her out, and called her the goddamn-cunt-shit-bitch whore that she is, she would have still mocked me. you can't win.

My friend Sarah, after I presented this situation to her, merely said that this woman WAS expecting me to cuss her out, and she was shocked that I remained eloquent. So, therefore, she just mocked me for it.


I don't know.

This whole situation just makes me absolutely sick to my stomach, and what is the most painful and most hurtful is that these people are really supposed to be God's represenatives. They are supposed to be attuned to some divine secret of faith. They are supposed to be fighting a worthwhile cause. Yet they are no different from anyone else.
It just, quite literally, feels like a punch in the stomach. God's empty rebuttal to me... ("I am not here... I have left...")

I cannot ever take organized religion--or anyone who takes part in it--seriously any more.
As an agnostic, I just had a very open mind. I thought "Well, these people believe this, and those people believe that." and that was the end of the story.
but after this incident I am so completely flabbergasted and appalled, that I cannot merely sit back and be accepting of whatever these people do. Because they are hypocrites. because they are children. because they manipulate, lie. because they argue with 19 year-olds over Facebook, instead of doing the mature thing and just letting the situation past them. isn't that what they are supposed to do?
what of Jesus' beautiful and sincere creed about turning the other cheek? about praying for those who persecute you?
(Matthew 5:39 "But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.")
It doesn't matter. it's all just very pretty language that no one truly has the balls to put into practice. Evidently this woman doesn't care. She doesn't care about her cause.

She cares about her cause inasmuch as it coincides with her exact socioeconomic status and personal bias.
The latter bit about "personal bias" is becoming more and more evident. Sometimes I think people so fervently believe the Bible because they can use it to justify their own personal biases.
Many people are kind of uneasy about homosexuality. If they can find a pasasge that condemns it, WHOOPIE! they plaster it everywhere and rejoice.

But she clearly has no valuable cause. If she was truly sincere, if she truly cared about her cause, she would have turned the other cheek. She would have apologized in deepest humility, like Jesus. She did not. She merely retorted and retorted and retorted. And when I finally stopped saying things, she continued to mock me. And what about Jesus' beautiful and sincere creed about turning the other cheek...

Hogwash. Complete hogwash. No one does that. No one.


Needless to say, I am very upset, at life in general. at the bubble of WELS Lutherans that use religion to justify personal biases and elitism.
and even further, (on a somewhat unrelated note) I cannot understand how a book that has the following quotation in it can possibly be the True, Inspired Word of God:

Ezekial 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Sexual Orientation... a Choice?

The human mind is a contradiction. It exists entirely on a confouding principle of self-contradiction, confusion, self-contradiction. Perhaps if everything fit together perfectly, it could not so exist.
Human society is a living contradiction. Everything about the human condition is a contradiction. Our mere existence is a contradiction.


It's hard to know exactly where to start. I'm feeling lots of things.
I guess, firstly, so as to avoid sounding ungrateful, I am very happy to be home again, and that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm also very happy that I was able to see my friends and family tonight.


Some bizarre, seemingly meaningless incident transpired tonight, about which I decided to write--or rather, I was driven to write. Perhaps some will say I am "over-reacting," but I'd say not. The words that began to form at the back of my mind, on the roof of my mouth, at the tips of my fingers, on the whole ride home, seemed to convince me that my feelings were indeed sincere.
But, I guess sometimes I can be a bit of a drama queen. Who knows, really.


I don't recall exactly how the topic was brought up, but my friends and I were playing cards, and somehow the topic of sexual orientation briefly passed our lips. It was not supposed to be anything special.
I remember saying, with laughter,
"Well, if you had said sexual orientation wasn't a choice, maybe I would have--"
"--Wait, it's not a choice?"
I remember staring incredulously.
"No...?"

We talked.
I love all my friends, and as I've said earlier, I don't want to seem ungrateful or sour about their presence. In fact, I think your best friends SHOULD be inspiring deep thought and meditation.
but I guess I was just a bit peturbed. Especially that my closest friends held this belief.
I guess I thought they understood me more than anyone else.
They still do, obviously. It's just strange to hear such things from them. The same things I'd heard over at dear Wisconsin Lutheran, and Woodlawn Evangelical Lutheran School.

I guess it was just strange too that my friends were just COCKSURE that sexual orientation was basically a choice, and that the argument ended there. Oh, no, no my friends! This issue is, dear God, almost TIMELESS. This whole nature vs nuture vs individual choice is an endless psychological and philosophical debate. Perhaps as timeless as the never-ending search for Good and Evil.
The argument does not INDEED end there. Hardly...

Someone later said, "Well, it's probably a bit of both..."
I still disagreed.

I guess, here is the main problem:
If you admit that sexual orientation is a choice--EVEN PARTLY--this leads to the idea that homosexuality or any alternative sexuality is an unnatural condition or set of desires.
I understand that my friends DID NOT mean to insinuate this in the slightest, but still, I think it's important to watch our words more carefully. It's also important to make sure you at least understand the other side before you completely make your judgment.

But there is much more here than just this idea of "unnaturalness." There is me, and my never-ending struggle for identity and peace of mind.
It's so strange to hear someone tell me that these feelings I've struggled with and grappled with and tried to understand my entire life were just a matter of poor decision-making at some point in my life. (well, I guess using the word "poor" is a little extraneous; mere decision-making suffices just as well, however.)
So are you saying that I DECIDED to be attracted by another male? or, conversely, that I DECIDED not to be attracted by a female?
And my struggle, my never-ending struggle for peace of mind. What about this? If it were just a choice, why wouldn't I just MAKE THE DECISION tomorrow morning to fall in love with/be sexually attracted to a woman and end the whole damn struggle?
It is because SEXUALITY IS NOT THAT SIMPLE.

and even further, especially myself, who has undergone twelve plus years of Christian indoctrination and brain-washing, why on earth would I CHOOSE to have desires that will "condemn me to hell"? That would be completely asinine! Self-destruction, at best!
And let me also say, in life, I rarely half-ass things. ESPECIALLY religion. When I was religious, I was whole-heartedly devoted. I DID believe firmly that I could go to hell. I DID understand firmly that my individual Christian sect agreed that homosexuality was a damnable sin.
So why, why, why would I decide to go ahead and CHOOSE to become a homosexual, being completely aware of all these things? Why wouldn't I just curve my sexuality to the norm, and avoid hell, damnation, social ostricization? It makes no sense.


I dunno, I've presented my point of view, but I'd really like to hear what others think. Am I entirely off my rocker?
I mean, is this a common idea people hold--that, indeed, sexual orientation is a choice?
I really did not think that anyone besides extreme Christian conservatives believed this.
I mean, one of my friends who said this was Atheist! so absurd!
but really, I do want to know what others think. Am I crazy? Did I just fuck up somewhere along the line and not realize it?

16 going on 17...

Comment from my friend Cheryl, sophomore year in high school:
Apr 6, 2007 10:17 AM
so last night was ridiculous
me and hayley ended up coming home like at 2 or something and slept here for the night and laura ended up just going to her house around 4 or something like that and we were all like wtf what are we doing. so we went to whitnall park and tried to find a ghost or something like that haha and then got freaked out and then went to genesis and got coffee. that was my night. wooo.



I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me, but every once in a while I do this thing where I log onto MySpace and read through old comments, blog entries, messages, etc. Every time I do it, I'm filled with this wistful nostalgia... this longing for the past. It's strange: for as much as I miss the past, I sometimes absolutely detested living in it. yet I still miss some parts.

These feelings seemed to hit me the strongest once my family and I finally moved from New Berlin to Muskego.
It was just a generally weird time in my life in general. Absolutely EVERYTHING was changing... I was a senior, so close to graduating. And I also had to give up my first home ever.
Even now, I still miss our old house in New Berlin so so so much. It wasn't anything fancy. but God, so many memories contained within it. Our new house in Muskego is nice... it's a beautiful house... but I still feel strange calling it "home" right now. I mean, I only lived there for eh... about 5 months or so, and then I ran off to college. It's hard for a house to become a home in that short a time period.

In general, though, there are some aspects about high school and teenage life I miss so terribly. I just miss the freedom, I guess. The freedom of being a child and not an adult.

One time I was writing another journal entry on this same topic, and this quote in particular stuck out in my mind:

Why am I here? I am supposed to be sitting in 24-hour diners and laughing my ass off about something stupid. I am supposed to be driving aimlessly around the city and finding myself. I am supposed to be blasting cutsie indie music and singing at the top of my lungs. I am supposed to be trying on different “selves,” supposed to be losing myself in stupid shopping sprees.

I guess my main purpose with this quote from my journal, and the comment from Cheryl at the beginning of my blog, is just to illustrate this fond remembrance I'm feeling... this desire to be so carefree and unworried again.

It's natural I guess.

BUT PLEASE NOTE, I am not necessarily dissatisfied with the present. In fact, I am extremely excited for what is happening now and what is going to happen in the near future. I'm just expressing these emotions I sometimes get when I think about the past.

*sigh*
to be 16 again...

but I suppose, If I've learned ANYTHING at all from all of these experiences and these emotions, it's simply to appreciate what is going on right now. because if I don't, I'm just going to look back and say "sigh, to be 19 again..."
"to be 21 again..."
"to be 25 again..."
etc, etc, etc, and on into infinity.

Whatcha gonna tell your Dad? It's like a wheel of fortune

Initially I was going to write some really long-winded entry about all the most absurd happenings that have occurred in my lovely dormitory, but I decided not to.

Partially because I have much work to do before Thanksgiving... two exams tomorrow, and one next week Tuesday.
not fun!
and partially because so much has happened that it'd be such a monumental task to get them all onto paper. and of course I would be expressing my full opinion about each event, not merely reporting them. and I have so many and various opinions that I would never stop writing if I began...

Anyways, Things are shaping up in regard to my transfer to UW-Milwaukee! I got my Student ID to "check on the application process." I was also able to access the student center so I could begin looking at classes even if I can't enroll in them quite yet!
In the coming days I should be getting my acceptance letter and HOPEFULLY a housing contract.
things look good!

It is kind of bittersweet though. I have made some wonderful friendships in Madison, and I've met some absolutely fantastic people. It's sad that I'm going to have to leave them all behind.
but at the same time, I am so excited just to leave this university and get into a program that I am really interested in.


Finally, I decided to post a video from 90s techno-pop band Ace of Base.
I don't really care what anyone says, because I love the hell out of them. They are so catchy and danceable and just AWESOME.
they're a little over-dramatic, (as one would notice by the cheesy hand motions in the begining of the video?) but that's why you love them. haha

peace.







ahhh, and also happy birthday to me today! :) :)
aw, so much has been going on that I've nearly forgotten about it!

Riding on a smile and a shoeshine...

The following entry may be a bit hard to follow, as it was written very quickly and without any sort of organization. it just sort of "happened" as the thoughts occured to me.
I have made a major life decision, and I needed to blog about it, like any sensible human being would... (right?)


It's amazing how quickly life changes.


Last night, I was talking to my friend Theresa about majors. Basically, I told her that I was a complete stressed-out mess, and that my ideas were so impossibly spaced out that they could never be reconciled.
We then approached the topic of Architecture. This was not necessarily a new thought; I had considered the major many times.
After this conversation, I immediately went to check the courselist at Madison. I was fairly certain that they had no Architecture programs here, but I thought I would check again.
and I was right.

They do not.

At this point, something kind of clicked in me. I remembered that UW-Milwaukee had such a program (the only kind of its type within the UW system, apparently?)

I started doing some research.
I suddenly became wild with excitement as I read through the transfer admission process.


at some point, I realized,
I NEED TO DO THIS.


Now I know to many, this may all sound like a very arbitrarily-based decision--made "on a whim," if you will. However, I can both assert that it indeed is not, and that if anything, my coming to UW-Madison was more arbitrary than anything.

To be completely honest, my attending this school was based on nothing more than personal biases and tiny snippets of truth:
"It's a good school."
"You'll totally fit in there..."
"The social life is so good!"
"The campus is beautiful."
"None of the other UW schools are really as good as Madison..."


I filled out applications for NO other institutions, upon my acceptance to UW-Madison. I had considered Milwaukee, but my parents kind of naysayed it, very subtly, of course.
"Well, I just think Madison is a better school, you know..."

and yes, Madison is a wonderful school. But time has shown me that it is not indeed the school for me.
The school is renowned, yes. but renowned for things that do not necessarily fit with my interests or personality...
major advancements in science, engineering, and the like...

I do not, nor have I ever, envisioned myself a scientist or researcher.
In retrospect, it's downright absurd that I even came to this school. Arbitrary, if you will.
It's like, I almost felt like I was excpected to go here.

But after many weeks fretting about majoring in something horrible like Biochemistry or Engineering, I suddenly realized that none of these majors were for me, and, consequently, UW-Madison was not for me either.

Perhaps this sounds a little far-fetched, or maybe even pretentious, but I feel like architecture is really the only way to reconcile the two halves of my brain.
I do not have an engineer's mind, even though I am an engineer's son... for whatever reason, my two brothers seemed to inherit this trait moreso than I. if something was ever broken in the house, I would leave it to those three to fix it.
but I still inherited something of my father's analytical side... I really enjoy math/am pretty proficient in it.
but somehow, I just simply KNEW that a degree/career in engineering was most definitely not for me. a year of school without a foreign language, without humanities, without fine arts, sounded pretty horrible to me.
at the same rate, I knew I was not necessarily cut out for a career in the fine arts either. and, as pretentious as this may sound, many majors in humanities did not appear "legitimate" enough for me personally. (again, please do not take offense to this! it was just a subconcious thought... )


anyways, somehow, someway, something clicked. I meet this new decision not with fear or anxiety of any kind. I am only excited.


I guess all that's left to do now is pray dearly to God that I get into housing, finish up this semester strongly, and read the Fountainhead... (I do plan on becoming an architect, right? lol)


"But you see," said Roark quietly, "I have, let's say, sixty years to live. Most of that time will be spent working. I've chosen the work I want to do. If I find no joy in it, then I'm only condemning myself to sixty years of torture. And I can find the joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me. But the best is a matter of standards--and I set my own standards. I inherit nothing. I stand at the end of no tradition. I may, perhaps, stand at the beginning of one."