begin.

Hello, sir or madam.
Allow me to introduce myself:
My name is Dan, and I’m a freshman at UW-Madison. I’m a million little conundrums packed in one little boy, so I won’t even begin to divulge… well, we’ve got time. A little divulging is all right…
I’m 18 years old. I am agnostic. I am gay. I am a moralist, in the sense that I am genuinely concerned about the consequences of my actions... though it's near impossible to separate what I truly believe from what I've been brainwashed to believe. I write very often; it's not so much a hobby as it is sustenance. I tend to ramble. I write as the thoughts occur to me. I never use outlines. I am always late. I lose things often... iPods, calculators, religious beliefs, dignity. It's just a matter of misplacing them, you know.
I typically keep a journal to myself on my laptop (since coming to school, I’ve filled some 50 word documents…) However, I decided to open up a bit more. And to become a bit more refined. Sometimes my private journal is so disgustingly sad-eyed and pathetic that I don’t even want to read it. So, here is my attempt to reconcile the wild pathos of my brain with calm communication with the real world… we’ll see how it goes.

I have many, many ideas as to what I want to major in here at UW-Madison, but I’m unable to zone in on any one. Don’t even get me started on this train of thought, because I probably will never shut up. I consume vast amounts of mental energy TRYING to figure out what exactly I want to major in. I’d say about 80% of the day is spent worrying. I won't get EXTREMELY in depth on this topic right now, since this is just an introductory blog. and also because I am certain that there will be many blogs to come which address the issue with more complexity. but, to give you a vague idea, here are some things I've been considering: engineering, pre-med (biology, whatever), piano performance, one or more foreign languages. journalism. education. philosophy. Clearly, I am a mess. I am strongly leaning toward auditioning for the school of music for next semester. It seems to make the most sense. If I don't get in, it wasn't meant to be. If I do get in, awesome. If I get in and I don't like it, I can easily switch. or double major.
Other college information: a boy in my hall hung himself during the first few weeks of school. since then a pair of new guys have been moved into his room, one of which threatened the other's life. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Some people are saying our house is cursed. I feel that's a bit disrespectful.


IN MORE RECENT NEWS, for those of you who are not up to date on my Facebook statuses, my Chemistry notebook was found! I was about to begin studying for an exam yesterday, when I noticed that it was MIA. I WENT INSANE. It was really an ugly moment… lots of illogical strings of cuss words, spewed out in attempt to rest my uneasy mind. It was really frustrating, all the more so because I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

However, I checked my e-mail today, and a TA had found my notebook!
The first thing I said was “Thank God!”
And for some reason, it actually resonated inside of me, as ludicrous as that sounds.

I’m not sure what this means. But as I was walking toward the Chemistry building in the rain, I was suddenly struck with this absurd feeling that yes, yes, yes, there is indeed someone watching over me.
This is either a testament to the fickleness of my beliefs, or to the fact that my faith had not wholly disappeared in the first place. I’m uncertain. And frankly I’m sick of worrying about it. Tomorrow I may wake up and still feel confused.
These arguments about God are beginning to tire me. I can’t stand them anymore. Mostly because both sides are so COCKSURE in their beliefs. They think all else is foolishness. An atheist thinks that believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever. In fact, they even find agnosticism (which one normally considers neutral) to be absolutely ludicrous too. But Christians are the same way. They think that NOT believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever (“The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’”) With this constant polarization, I am completely at a loss as to what I actually believe. I think I still am agnostic, despite this little felicitous happening.
but eh, I digress. This is quite possibly the most scatter-brained blog ever, usnure as to how I moved from introductory material, to lost chemistry notebooks, to arguments about the existence of God... but I figured I needed to start SOMEWHERE. so, glean whatever meaningful facts you can. future blogs will hopefully be more topic-oriented.

I have three exams this week. Cheers!

and a final comment, about the title:
Lento ma non troppo is a musical marking for tempo. Literally it means "slowly, but not too much." It is also affixed to one of my favorite pieces by one of my favorite composers: Chopin's Etude op. 10 no. 3 in E major. If you don't know me very well, I am a stressed out mess 99% of the time. I guess, in some roundabout way, this little Italian phrase offers some kind of comfort or inner-peace for me. It's also slightly ironic, because it is the exact opposite of how I actually live my life. I never move slowly, ever. And perhaps that just adds to the beauty of it