So I have not blogged in quite some time. I did write up a halfway interesting little entry a few weeks ago, but I considered it prudent to remove from viewing, due to its relatively graphic and personal nature.
And it is unfortunate that now, as I sit down to blog again, such negative energies would return to me, but alas, it's happened.
A few days ago, I ran into a little incident on Facebook which left me feeling a little anxious and jaded. I will not mention the very particulars about the incident, for multiple reasons.
Long story short, I ended up arguing furiously with someone else's MOTHER about some ignorant comments she had posted onto her own daughter's wall.
The whole ordeal was very disheartening. It made me lose so much faith in the human species. And even more specifically, in organized religion. And yes, I used to have great hopes in organized religion.
For, as often as it unnecessarily brainwashes and antagonizes the freest of minds, it is also a source of excellent community contributions and family gatherings. I grew to like the "idea" of church so much more than the actual doctrines of church. The individual doctrines--I found--were contradictory and unjust, unfair and illogical. But I, much like my mother, took comfort in the familiar routine of church... Getting the whole family together, dressing up, picking up grandma, going out to breakfast...
Regardless, it's safe to say that I used to consider church AT LEAST something tolerable.
however, after this incident, I no longer hold such views.
The woman I argued with was relentless. She did not back down at all. Even when I told her that her actions were "neither Christ-like nor inspiring," her only reponse was "if you are agnostic, why do you care?" But alas, ma'am, you have misdirected your question. The more important question is turned around onto you: If you are Christian, why do you NOT care about how your actions reflect on to other people? During the fourteen years of my WELS indoctrination and brain-washing, it was drilled into my head that our actions must always reflect "the light of Christ." And that we should, consequently be very careful of how we appear to others.
(Matthew 5:16 "Let your light shine before men, that others may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.")
I was absolutely appalled that this woman was so utterly unmoved by how her actions affected me, as a struggling agnostic. If she really gave two shits, she could have at least said, "I am sorry, but I am not called upon to be perfect. I too am a sinner."
but in her rebuttal, she expressed no such apologies. She thought that she was completely right in her actions. completely and utterly right.
the arrogance and self-certainty is disgusting.
Not only that, but later, she continued to mock me on her daughter's wall (adding that she had "learned so many hyperboles from that snot-nosed kid!")
what a complete slap in the face.
I spoke to that woman eloquently and calmly. I used polysyllabic and powerful words. I did not curse. I did not swear. I did not even use THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.
and she mocks me for it. She mocks me for my articulateness.
Utterly shocking. and if I had completely cussed her out, and called her the goddamn-cunt-shit-bitch whore that she is, she would have still mocked me. you can't win.
My friend Sarah, after I presented this situation to her, merely said that this woman WAS expecting me to cuss her out, and she was shocked that I remained eloquent. So, therefore, she just mocked me for it.
I don't know.
This whole situation just makes me absolutely sick to my stomach, and what is the most painful and most hurtful is that these people are really supposed to be God's represenatives. They are supposed to be attuned to some divine secret of faith. They are supposed to be fighting a worthwhile cause. Yet they are no different from anyone else.
It just, quite literally, feels like a punch in the stomach. God's empty rebuttal to me... ("I am not here... I have left...")
I cannot ever take organized religion--or anyone who takes part in it--seriously any more.
As an agnostic, I just had a very open mind. I thought "Well, these people believe this, and those people believe that." and that was the end of the story.
but after this incident I am so completely flabbergasted and appalled, that I cannot merely sit back and be accepting of whatever these people do. Because they are hypocrites. because they are children. because they manipulate, lie. because they argue with 19 year-olds over Facebook, instead of doing the mature thing and just letting the situation past them. isn't that what they are supposed to do?
what of Jesus' beautiful and sincere creed about turning the other cheek? about praying for those who persecute you?
(Matthew 5:39 "But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.")
It doesn't matter. it's all just very pretty language that no one truly has the balls to put into practice. Evidently this woman doesn't care. She doesn't care about her cause.
She cares about her cause inasmuch as it coincides with her exact socioeconomic status and personal bias.
The latter bit about "personal bias" is becoming more and more evident. Sometimes I think people so fervently believe the Bible because they can use it to justify their own personal biases.
Many people are kind of uneasy about homosexuality. If they can find a pasasge that condemns it, WHOOPIE! they plaster it everywhere and rejoice.
But she clearly has no valuable cause. If she was truly sincere, if she truly cared about her cause, she would have turned the other cheek. She would have apologized in deepest humility, like Jesus. She did not. She merely retorted and retorted and retorted. And when I finally stopped saying things, she continued to mock me. And what about Jesus' beautiful and sincere creed about turning the other cheek...
Hogwash. Complete hogwash. No one does that. No one.
Needless to say, I am very upset, at life in general. at the bubble of WELS Lutherans that use religion to justify personal biases and elitism.
and even further, (on a somewhat unrelated note) I cannot understand how a book that has the following quotation in it can possibly be the True, Inspired Word of God:
Ezekial 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sexual Orientation... a Choice?
The human mind is a contradiction. It exists entirely on a confouding principle of self-contradiction, confusion, self-contradiction. Perhaps if everything fit together perfectly, it could not so exist.
Human society is a living contradiction. Everything about the human condition is a contradiction. Our mere existence is a contradiction.
It's hard to know exactly where to start. I'm feeling lots of things.
I guess, firstly, so as to avoid sounding ungrateful, I am very happy to be home again, and that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm also very happy that I was able to see my friends and family tonight.
Some bizarre, seemingly meaningless incident transpired tonight, about which I decided to write--or rather, I was driven to write. Perhaps some will say I am "over-reacting," but I'd say not. The words that began to form at the back of my mind, on the roof of my mouth, at the tips of my fingers, on the whole ride home, seemed to convince me that my feelings were indeed sincere.
But, I guess sometimes I can be a bit of a drama queen. Who knows, really.
I don't recall exactly how the topic was brought up, but my friends and I were playing cards, and somehow the topic of sexual orientation briefly passed our lips. It was not supposed to be anything special.
I remember saying, with laughter,
"Well, if you had said sexual orientation wasn't a choice, maybe I would have--"
"--Wait, it's not a choice?"
I remember staring incredulously.
"No...?"
We talked.
I love all my friends, and as I've said earlier, I don't want to seem ungrateful or sour about their presence. In fact, I think your best friends SHOULD be inspiring deep thought and meditation.
but I guess I was just a bit peturbed. Especially that my closest friends held this belief.
I guess I thought they understood me more than anyone else.
They still do, obviously. It's just strange to hear such things from them. The same things I'd heard over at dear Wisconsin Lutheran, and Woodlawn Evangelical Lutheran School.
I guess it was just strange too that my friends were just COCKSURE that sexual orientation was basically a choice, and that the argument ended there. Oh, no, no my friends! This issue is, dear God, almost TIMELESS. This whole nature vs nuture vs individual choice is an endless psychological and philosophical debate. Perhaps as timeless as the never-ending search for Good and Evil.
The argument does not INDEED end there. Hardly...
Someone later said, "Well, it's probably a bit of both..."
I still disagreed.
I guess, here is the main problem:
If you admit that sexual orientation is a choice--EVEN PARTLY--this leads to the idea that homosexuality or any alternative sexuality is an unnatural condition or set of desires.
I understand that my friends DID NOT mean to insinuate this in the slightest, but still, I think it's important to watch our words more carefully. It's also important to make sure you at least understand the other side before you completely make your judgment.
But there is much more here than just this idea of "unnaturalness." There is me, and my never-ending struggle for identity and peace of mind.
It's so strange to hear someone tell me that these feelings I've struggled with and grappled with and tried to understand my entire life were just a matter of poor decision-making at some point in my life. (well, I guess using the word "poor" is a little extraneous; mere decision-making suffices just as well, however.)
So are you saying that I DECIDED to be attracted by another male? or, conversely, that I DECIDED not to be attracted by a female?
And my struggle, my never-ending struggle for peace of mind. What about this? If it were just a choice, why wouldn't I just MAKE THE DECISION tomorrow morning to fall in love with/be sexually attracted to a woman and end the whole damn struggle?
It is because SEXUALITY IS NOT THAT SIMPLE.
and even further, especially myself, who has undergone twelve plus years of Christian indoctrination and brain-washing, why on earth would I CHOOSE to have desires that will "condemn me to hell"? That would be completely asinine! Self-destruction, at best!
And let me also say, in life, I rarely half-ass things. ESPECIALLY religion. When I was religious, I was whole-heartedly devoted. I DID believe firmly that I could go to hell. I DID understand firmly that my individual Christian sect agreed that homosexuality was a damnable sin.
So why, why, why would I decide to go ahead and CHOOSE to become a homosexual, being completely aware of all these things? Why wouldn't I just curve my sexuality to the norm, and avoid hell, damnation, social ostricization? It makes no sense.
I dunno, I've presented my point of view, but I'd really like to hear what others think. Am I entirely off my rocker?
I mean, is this a common idea people hold--that, indeed, sexual orientation is a choice?
I really did not think that anyone besides extreme Christian conservatives believed this.
I mean, one of my friends who said this was Atheist! so absurd!
but really, I do want to know what others think. Am I crazy? Did I just fuck up somewhere along the line and not realize it?
Human society is a living contradiction. Everything about the human condition is a contradiction. Our mere existence is a contradiction.
It's hard to know exactly where to start. I'm feeling lots of things.
I guess, firstly, so as to avoid sounding ungrateful, I am very happy to be home again, and that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm also very happy that I was able to see my friends and family tonight.
Some bizarre, seemingly meaningless incident transpired tonight, about which I decided to write--or rather, I was driven to write. Perhaps some will say I am "over-reacting," but I'd say not. The words that began to form at the back of my mind, on the roof of my mouth, at the tips of my fingers, on the whole ride home, seemed to convince me that my feelings were indeed sincere.
But, I guess sometimes I can be a bit of a drama queen. Who knows, really.
I don't recall exactly how the topic was brought up, but my friends and I were playing cards, and somehow the topic of sexual orientation briefly passed our lips. It was not supposed to be anything special.
I remember saying, with laughter,
"Well, if you had said sexual orientation wasn't a choice, maybe I would have--"
"--Wait, it's not a choice?"
I remember staring incredulously.
"No...?"
We talked.
I love all my friends, and as I've said earlier, I don't want to seem ungrateful or sour about their presence. In fact, I think your best friends SHOULD be inspiring deep thought and meditation.
but I guess I was just a bit peturbed. Especially that my closest friends held this belief.
I guess I thought they understood me more than anyone else.
They still do, obviously. It's just strange to hear such things from them. The same things I'd heard over at dear Wisconsin Lutheran, and Woodlawn Evangelical Lutheran School.
I guess it was just strange too that my friends were just COCKSURE that sexual orientation was basically a choice, and that the argument ended there. Oh, no, no my friends! This issue is, dear God, almost TIMELESS. This whole nature vs nuture vs individual choice is an endless psychological and philosophical debate. Perhaps as timeless as the never-ending search for Good and Evil.
The argument does not INDEED end there. Hardly...
Someone later said, "Well, it's probably a bit of both..."
I still disagreed.
I guess, here is the main problem:
If you admit that sexual orientation is a choice--EVEN PARTLY--this leads to the idea that homosexuality or any alternative sexuality is an unnatural condition or set of desires.
I understand that my friends DID NOT mean to insinuate this in the slightest, but still, I think it's important to watch our words more carefully. It's also important to make sure you at least understand the other side before you completely make your judgment.
But there is much more here than just this idea of "unnaturalness." There is me, and my never-ending struggle for identity and peace of mind.
It's so strange to hear someone tell me that these feelings I've struggled with and grappled with and tried to understand my entire life were just a matter of poor decision-making at some point in my life. (well, I guess using the word "poor" is a little extraneous; mere decision-making suffices just as well, however.)
So are you saying that I DECIDED to be attracted by another male? or, conversely, that I DECIDED not to be attracted by a female?
And my struggle, my never-ending struggle for peace of mind. What about this? If it were just a choice, why wouldn't I just MAKE THE DECISION tomorrow morning to fall in love with/be sexually attracted to a woman and end the whole damn struggle?
It is because SEXUALITY IS NOT THAT SIMPLE.
and even further, especially myself, who has undergone twelve plus years of Christian indoctrination and brain-washing, why on earth would I CHOOSE to have desires that will "condemn me to hell"? That would be completely asinine! Self-destruction, at best!
And let me also say, in life, I rarely half-ass things. ESPECIALLY religion. When I was religious, I was whole-heartedly devoted. I DID believe firmly that I could go to hell. I DID understand firmly that my individual Christian sect agreed that homosexuality was a damnable sin.
So why, why, why would I decide to go ahead and CHOOSE to become a homosexual, being completely aware of all these things? Why wouldn't I just curve my sexuality to the norm, and avoid hell, damnation, social ostricization? It makes no sense.
I dunno, I've presented my point of view, but I'd really like to hear what others think. Am I entirely off my rocker?
I mean, is this a common idea people hold--that, indeed, sexual orientation is a choice?
I really did not think that anyone besides extreme Christian conservatives believed this.
I mean, one of my friends who said this was Atheist! so absurd!
but really, I do want to know what others think. Am I crazy? Did I just fuck up somewhere along the line and not realize it?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
16 going on 17...
Comment from my friend Cheryl, sophomore year in high school:
Apr 6, 2007 10:17 AM
so last night was ridiculous
me and hayley ended up coming home like at 2 or something and slept here for the night and laura ended up just going to her house around 4 or something like that and we were all like wtf what are we doing. so we went to whitnall park and tried to find a ghost or something like that haha and then got freaked out and then went to genesis and got coffee. that was my night. wooo.
I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me, but every once in a while I do this thing where I log onto MySpace and read through old comments, blog entries, messages, etc. Every time I do it, I'm filled with this wistful nostalgia... this longing for the past. It's strange: for as much as I miss the past, I sometimes absolutely detested living in it. yet I still miss some parts.
These feelings seemed to hit me the strongest once my family and I finally moved from New Berlin to Muskego.
It was just a generally weird time in my life in general. Absolutely EVERYTHING was changing... I was a senior, so close to graduating. And I also had to give up my first home ever.
Even now, I still miss our old house in New Berlin so so so much. It wasn't anything fancy. but God, so many memories contained within it. Our new house in Muskego is nice... it's a beautiful house... but I still feel strange calling it "home" right now. I mean, I only lived there for eh... about 5 months or so, and then I ran off to college. It's hard for a house to become a home in that short a time period.
In general, though, there are some aspects about high school and teenage life I miss so terribly. I just miss the freedom, I guess. The freedom of being a child and not an adult.
One time I was writing another journal entry on this same topic, and this quote in particular stuck out in my mind:
Why am I here? I am supposed to be sitting in 24-hour diners and laughing my ass off about something stupid. I am supposed to be driving aimlessly around the city and finding myself. I am supposed to be blasting cutsie indie music and singing at the top of my lungs. I am supposed to be trying on different “selves,” supposed to be losing myself in stupid shopping sprees.
I guess my main purpose with this quote from my journal, and the comment from Cheryl at the beginning of my blog, is just to illustrate this fond remembrance I'm feeling... this desire to be so carefree and unworried again.
It's natural I guess.
BUT PLEASE NOTE, I am not necessarily dissatisfied with the present. In fact, I am extremely excited for what is happening now and what is going to happen in the near future. I'm just expressing these emotions I sometimes get when I think about the past.
*sigh*
to be 16 again...
but I suppose, If I've learned ANYTHING at all from all of these experiences and these emotions, it's simply to appreciate what is going on right now. because if I don't, I'm just going to look back and say "sigh, to be 19 again..."
"to be 21 again..."
"to be 25 again..."
etc, etc, etc, and on into infinity.
Apr 6, 2007 10:17 AM
so last night was ridiculous
me and hayley ended up coming home like at 2 or something and slept here for the night and laura ended up just going to her house around 4 or something like that and we were all like wtf what are we doing. so we went to whitnall park and tried to find a ghost or something like that haha and then got freaked out and then went to genesis and got coffee. that was my night. wooo.
I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me, but every once in a while I do this thing where I log onto MySpace and read through old comments, blog entries, messages, etc. Every time I do it, I'm filled with this wistful nostalgia... this longing for the past. It's strange: for as much as I miss the past, I sometimes absolutely detested living in it. yet I still miss some parts.
These feelings seemed to hit me the strongest once my family and I finally moved from New Berlin to Muskego.
It was just a generally weird time in my life in general. Absolutely EVERYTHING was changing... I was a senior, so close to graduating. And I also had to give up my first home ever.
Even now, I still miss our old house in New Berlin so so so much. It wasn't anything fancy. but God, so many memories contained within it. Our new house in Muskego is nice... it's a beautiful house... but I still feel strange calling it "home" right now. I mean, I only lived there for eh... about 5 months or so, and then I ran off to college. It's hard for a house to become a home in that short a time period.
In general, though, there are some aspects about high school and teenage life I miss so terribly. I just miss the freedom, I guess. The freedom of being a child and not an adult.
One time I was writing another journal entry on this same topic, and this quote in particular stuck out in my mind:
Why am I here? I am supposed to be sitting in 24-hour diners and laughing my ass off about something stupid. I am supposed to be driving aimlessly around the city and finding myself. I am supposed to be blasting cutsie indie music and singing at the top of my lungs. I am supposed to be trying on different “selves,” supposed to be losing myself in stupid shopping sprees.
I guess my main purpose with this quote from my journal, and the comment from Cheryl at the beginning of my blog, is just to illustrate this fond remembrance I'm feeling... this desire to be so carefree and unworried again.
It's natural I guess.
BUT PLEASE NOTE, I am not necessarily dissatisfied with the present. In fact, I am extremely excited for what is happening now and what is going to happen in the near future. I'm just expressing these emotions I sometimes get when I think about the past.
*sigh*
to be 16 again...
but I suppose, If I've learned ANYTHING at all from all of these experiences and these emotions, it's simply to appreciate what is going on right now. because if I don't, I'm just going to look back and say "sigh, to be 19 again..."
"to be 21 again..."
"to be 25 again..."
etc, etc, etc, and on into infinity.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Whatcha gonna tell your Dad? It's like a wheel of fortune
Initially I was going to write some really long-winded entry about all the most absurd happenings that have occurred in my lovely dormitory, but I decided not to.
Partially because I have much work to do before Thanksgiving... two exams tomorrow, and one next week Tuesday.
not fun!
and partially because so much has happened that it'd be such a monumental task to get them all onto paper. and of course I would be expressing my full opinion about each event, not merely reporting them. and I have so many and various opinions that I would never stop writing if I began...
Anyways, Things are shaping up in regard to my transfer to UW-Milwaukee! I got my Student ID to "check on the application process." I was also able to access the student center so I could begin looking at classes even if I can't enroll in them quite yet!
In the coming days I should be getting my acceptance letter and HOPEFULLY a housing contract.
things look good!
It is kind of bittersweet though. I have made some wonderful friendships in Madison, and I've met some absolutely fantastic people. It's sad that I'm going to have to leave them all behind.
but at the same time, I am so excited just to leave this university and get into a program that I am really interested in.
Finally, I decided to post a video from 90s techno-pop band Ace of Base.
I don't really care what anyone says, because I love the hell out of them. They are so catchy and danceable and just AWESOME.
they're a little over-dramatic, (as one would notice by the cheesy hand motions in the begining of the video?) but that's why you love them. haha
peace.
ahhh, and also happy birthday to me today! :) :)
aw, so much has been going on that I've nearly forgotten about it!
Partially because I have much work to do before Thanksgiving... two exams tomorrow, and one next week Tuesday.
not fun!
and partially because so much has happened that it'd be such a monumental task to get them all onto paper. and of course I would be expressing my full opinion about each event, not merely reporting them. and I have so many and various opinions that I would never stop writing if I began...
Anyways, Things are shaping up in regard to my transfer to UW-Milwaukee! I got my Student ID to "check on the application process." I was also able to access the student center so I could begin looking at classes even if I can't enroll in them quite yet!
In the coming days I should be getting my acceptance letter and HOPEFULLY a housing contract.
things look good!
It is kind of bittersweet though. I have made some wonderful friendships in Madison, and I've met some absolutely fantastic people. It's sad that I'm going to have to leave them all behind.
but at the same time, I am so excited just to leave this university and get into a program that I am really interested in.
Finally, I decided to post a video from 90s techno-pop band Ace of Base.
I don't really care what anyone says, because I love the hell out of them. They are so catchy and danceable and just AWESOME.
they're a little over-dramatic, (as one would notice by the cheesy hand motions in the begining of the video?) but that's why you love them. haha
peace.
ahhh, and also happy birthday to me today! :) :)
aw, so much has been going on that I've nearly forgotten about it!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Riding on a smile and a shoeshine...
The following entry may be a bit hard to follow, as it was written very quickly and without any sort of organization. it just sort of "happened" as the thoughts occured to me.
I have made a major life decision, and I needed to blog about it, like any sensible human being would... (right?)
It's amazing how quickly life changes.
Last night, I was talking to my friend Theresa about majors. Basically, I told her that I was a complete stressed-out mess, and that my ideas were so impossibly spaced out that they could never be reconciled.
We then approached the topic of Architecture. This was not necessarily a new thought; I had considered the major many times.
After this conversation, I immediately went to check the courselist at Madison. I was fairly certain that they had no Architecture programs here, but I thought I would check again.
and I was right.
They do not.
At this point, something kind of clicked in me. I remembered that UW-Milwaukee had such a program (the only kind of its type within the UW system, apparently?)
I started doing some research.
I suddenly became wild with excitement as I read through the transfer admission process.
at some point, I realized,
I NEED TO DO THIS.
Now I know to many, this may all sound like a very arbitrarily-based decision--made "on a whim," if you will. However, I can both assert that it indeed is not, and that if anything, my coming to UW-Madison was more arbitrary than anything.
To be completely honest, my attending this school was based on nothing more than personal biases and tiny snippets of truth:
"It's a good school."
"You'll totally fit in there..."
"The social life is so good!"
"The campus is beautiful."
"None of the other UW schools are really as good as Madison..."
I filled out applications for NO other institutions, upon my acceptance to UW-Madison. I had considered Milwaukee, but my parents kind of naysayed it, very subtly, of course.
"Well, I just think Madison is a better school, you know..."
and yes, Madison is a wonderful school. But time has shown me that it is not indeed the school for me.
The school is renowned, yes. but renowned for things that do not necessarily fit with my interests or personality...
major advancements in science, engineering, and the like...
I do not, nor have I ever, envisioned myself a scientist or researcher.
In retrospect, it's downright absurd that I even came to this school. Arbitrary, if you will.
It's like, I almost felt like I was excpected to go here.
But after many weeks fretting about majoring in something horrible like Biochemistry or Engineering, I suddenly realized that none of these majors were for me, and, consequently, UW-Madison was not for me either.
Perhaps this sounds a little far-fetched, or maybe even pretentious, but I feel like architecture is really the only way to reconcile the two halves of my brain.
I do not have an engineer's mind, even though I am an engineer's son... for whatever reason, my two brothers seemed to inherit this trait moreso than I. if something was ever broken in the house, I would leave it to those three to fix it.
but I still inherited something of my father's analytical side... I really enjoy math/am pretty proficient in it.
but somehow, I just simply KNEW that a degree/career in engineering was most definitely not for me. a year of school without a foreign language, without humanities, without fine arts, sounded pretty horrible to me.
at the same rate, I knew I was not necessarily cut out for a career in the fine arts either. and, as pretentious as this may sound, many majors in humanities did not appear "legitimate" enough for me personally. (again, please do not take offense to this! it was just a subconcious thought... )
anyways, somehow, someway, something clicked. I meet this new decision not with fear or anxiety of any kind. I am only excited.
I guess all that's left to do now is pray dearly to God that I get into housing, finish up this semester strongly, and read the Fountainhead... (I do plan on becoming an architect, right? lol)
"But you see," said Roark quietly, "I have, let's say, sixty years to live. Most of that time will be spent working. I've chosen the work I want to do. If I find no joy in it, then I'm only condemning myself to sixty years of torture. And I can find the joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me. But the best is a matter of standards--and I set my own standards. I inherit nothing. I stand at the end of no tradition. I may, perhaps, stand at the beginning of one."
I have made a major life decision, and I needed to blog about it, like any sensible human being would... (right?)
It's amazing how quickly life changes.
Last night, I was talking to my friend Theresa about majors. Basically, I told her that I was a complete stressed-out mess, and that my ideas were so impossibly spaced out that they could never be reconciled.
We then approached the topic of Architecture. This was not necessarily a new thought; I had considered the major many times.
After this conversation, I immediately went to check the courselist at Madison. I was fairly certain that they had no Architecture programs here, but I thought I would check again.
and I was right.
They do not.
At this point, something kind of clicked in me. I remembered that UW-Milwaukee had such a program (the only kind of its type within the UW system, apparently?)
I started doing some research.
I suddenly became wild with excitement as I read through the transfer admission process.
at some point, I realized,
I NEED TO DO THIS.
Now I know to many, this may all sound like a very arbitrarily-based decision--made "on a whim," if you will. However, I can both assert that it indeed is not, and that if anything, my coming to UW-Madison was more arbitrary than anything.
To be completely honest, my attending this school was based on nothing more than personal biases and tiny snippets of truth:
"It's a good school."
"You'll totally fit in there..."
"The social life is so good!"
"The campus is beautiful."
"None of the other UW schools are really as good as Madison..."
I filled out applications for NO other institutions, upon my acceptance to UW-Madison. I had considered Milwaukee, but my parents kind of naysayed it, very subtly, of course.
"Well, I just think Madison is a better school, you know..."
and yes, Madison is a wonderful school. But time has shown me that it is not indeed the school for me.
The school is renowned, yes. but renowned for things that do not necessarily fit with my interests or personality...
major advancements in science, engineering, and the like...
I do not, nor have I ever, envisioned myself a scientist or researcher.
In retrospect, it's downright absurd that I even came to this school. Arbitrary, if you will.
It's like, I almost felt like I was excpected to go here.
But after many weeks fretting about majoring in something horrible like Biochemistry or Engineering, I suddenly realized that none of these majors were for me, and, consequently, UW-Madison was not for me either.
Perhaps this sounds a little far-fetched, or maybe even pretentious, but I feel like architecture is really the only way to reconcile the two halves of my brain.
I do not have an engineer's mind, even though I am an engineer's son... for whatever reason, my two brothers seemed to inherit this trait moreso than I. if something was ever broken in the house, I would leave it to those three to fix it.
but I still inherited something of my father's analytical side... I really enjoy math/am pretty proficient in it.
but somehow, I just simply KNEW that a degree/career in engineering was most definitely not for me. a year of school without a foreign language, without humanities, without fine arts, sounded pretty horrible to me.
at the same rate, I knew I was not necessarily cut out for a career in the fine arts either. and, as pretentious as this may sound, many majors in humanities did not appear "legitimate" enough for me personally. (again, please do not take offense to this! it was just a subconcious thought... )
anyways, somehow, someway, something clicked. I meet this new decision not with fear or anxiety of any kind. I am only excited.
I guess all that's left to do now is pray dearly to God that I get into housing, finish up this semester strongly, and read the Fountainhead... (I do plan on becoming an architect, right? lol)
"But you see," said Roark quietly, "I have, let's say, sixty years to live. Most of that time will be spent working. I've chosen the work I want to do. If I find no joy in it, then I'm only condemning myself to sixty years of torture. And I can find the joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me. But the best is a matter of standards--and I set my own standards. I inherit nothing. I stand at the end of no tradition. I may, perhaps, stand at the beginning of one."
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Pre-Halloween madness, Sublime, Societal Standards, and Lady Gaga
Hm, sooo, it's the day of Halloween. From the blog I posted two days prior, I gave the impression that I wouldn't be writing much until AFTER Halloween, but unfortunately my brain really never stops talking. Consequently, I still have much to say.
One night Alex (my roomie) posted a status with a line from "Santeria" by Sublime.
I've always really liked this song, but now I'm kind of addicted to it. I love how it's got this really catchy melody, but the lyrics are so spiteful. Love the irony. When I listen to it, I always think of all the people I hate, and I feel a little better. I guess "hate" may be too strong a word... perhaps, more accurately, I think about the people who have in some way wronged me.
Whatever.
This song is so good. I adore it. I was attempting to learn the solo on guitar, but I am really not a proficient guitarist. I could learn it in time. I took the chords to the piano and I had much more progress with said solo.
The solo in this song is really such good musical material. I love all these little folk songs I'm able to play, but I need complexity. I want to move beyond three or four chord songs. I like real bluesy solos like this.
I dunno, maybe it's weird of me to like this song. I'm not sure if Sublime is a kind of druggie's band or not. I was reading about the lead singer on Wikipedia, and apparently he died of a drug overdose... Sigh. Why are so many potentially great men privy to such desires of the flesh? Imagine if he was still alive, and the awesome music he could be making.
But, some might argue, that if he had not been a crazy druggie, perhaps he would not have been able to write the great music he did. But this kind of leads to the idea that drugs are a must in creative expression, which is something I strongly disagree with.
I'm not entirely savvy on Conor Oberst's biography, but I'm fairly certain that he has experimented with drugs at some point in his life.
I wonder, however, if perhaps he touched on this point in "The Big Picture:"
"So go ahead and lose yourself in liquor, and you can praise the clouded mind, but it isn't what you're thinking - no - it's the course of history, your position in line. You're just a piece of the puzzle, so I think you'd better find your place. And don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate."
Eh, I really don't know.
I really think it's fascinating to talk about drugs and their effects on the arts/life in general.
Sometimes I wonder why certain drugs are considered socially or legally acceptable (caffeine, liqour, tobacco, etc) while others are not. I hesitate to even bring this argument up, because I think some potheads use it to justify marijuana. but it is a perfectly valid question.
Then again, the answer could be fairly simple: The drugs that are socially acceptable don't impair the mind as much as those that are illegal. But, this too can be debated.
PLEASE NOTE, I don't plan on doing drugs nor have I ever done them in the past. But these are interesting questions to consider. Society is fascinating. This is one of the reasons why anthropology is so interesting to me. So that I could see how certain taboos developed. How one thing became the norm and something else became abnormal.
WOW, I REALLY DIGRESS. Then again, I didn't really come here with a set topic. Just wanted to say that "Santeria" is a kick-ass song. and it's awesome. and some background info.
whatever.
In regard to my future, I've been SOMEWHAT proactive the past few days. I've been looking through the majors/schools catalogues for Madison, checking certain requirements, etc. Some of them are so intimidating. Some sound lovely. Some sound horrible.
I had a dream that I had decided to go into Art Education. Which is strange because that night I had looked up that exact major in the Catalogue...
I think Art Education would be fun. Or Music Ed. The only problem with Education of any kind is that a) I really lack patience b) if I'm allowed to say this without saying vain... most things sort of come naturally for me, so it'd be difficult to try to explain HOW I understand something. but who knows. It's something to consider.
Someone is listening to Lady Gaga down the hallway, so now I want to too... (Wow, ADD...)
One night Alex (my roomie) posted a status with a line from "Santeria" by Sublime.
I've always really liked this song, but now I'm kind of addicted to it. I love how it's got this really catchy melody, but the lyrics are so spiteful. Love the irony. When I listen to it, I always think of all the people I hate, and I feel a little better. I guess "hate" may be too strong a word... perhaps, more accurately, I think about the people who have in some way wronged me.
Whatever.
This song is so good. I adore it. I was attempting to learn the solo on guitar, but I am really not a proficient guitarist. I could learn it in time. I took the chords to the piano and I had much more progress with said solo.
The solo in this song is really such good musical material. I love all these little folk songs I'm able to play, but I need complexity. I want to move beyond three or four chord songs. I like real bluesy solos like this.
I dunno, maybe it's weird of me to like this song. I'm not sure if Sublime is a kind of druggie's band or not. I was reading about the lead singer on Wikipedia, and apparently he died of a drug overdose... Sigh. Why are so many potentially great men privy to such desires of the flesh? Imagine if he was still alive, and the awesome music he could be making.
But, some might argue, that if he had not been a crazy druggie, perhaps he would not have been able to write the great music he did. But this kind of leads to the idea that drugs are a must in creative expression, which is something I strongly disagree with.
I'm not entirely savvy on Conor Oberst's biography, but I'm fairly certain that he has experimented with drugs at some point in his life.
I wonder, however, if perhaps he touched on this point in "The Big Picture:"
"So go ahead and lose yourself in liquor, and you can praise the clouded mind, but it isn't what you're thinking - no - it's the course of history, your position in line. You're just a piece of the puzzle, so I think you'd better find your place. And don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate."
Eh, I really don't know.
I really think it's fascinating to talk about drugs and their effects on the arts/life in general.
Sometimes I wonder why certain drugs are considered socially or legally acceptable (caffeine, liqour, tobacco, etc) while others are not. I hesitate to even bring this argument up, because I think some potheads use it to justify marijuana. but it is a perfectly valid question.
Then again, the answer could be fairly simple: The drugs that are socially acceptable don't impair the mind as much as those that are illegal. But, this too can be debated.
PLEASE NOTE, I don't plan on doing drugs nor have I ever done them in the past. But these are interesting questions to consider. Society is fascinating. This is one of the reasons why anthropology is so interesting to me. So that I could see how certain taboos developed. How one thing became the norm and something else became abnormal.
WOW, I REALLY DIGRESS. Then again, I didn't really come here with a set topic. Just wanted to say that "Santeria" is a kick-ass song. and it's awesome. and some background info.
whatever.
In regard to my future, I've been SOMEWHAT proactive the past few days. I've been looking through the majors/schools catalogues for Madison, checking certain requirements, etc. Some of them are so intimidating. Some sound lovely. Some sound horrible.
I had a dream that I had decided to go into Art Education. Which is strange because that night I had looked up that exact major in the Catalogue...
I think Art Education would be fun. Or Music Ed. The only problem with Education of any kind is that a) I really lack patience b) if I'm allowed to say this without saying vain... most things sort of come naturally for me, so it'd be difficult to try to explain HOW I understand something. but who knows. It's something to consider.
Someone is listening to Lady Gaga down the hallway, so now I want to too... (Wow, ADD...)
Friday, October 30, 2009
Liberal Arts Degrees and 98 Degrees
Since coming to college, I've become more and more acquainted with the distinct possibility that higher education nowadays is pointless.Don't get me wrong; I love education. I love being in school, and I love to learn. I wish I could just stay in school forever and continue to learn. but unfortunately no one would really want to sponsor my indefinite learning--unless of course, I proved some remarkable genius for it, which won't likely be happening. I have to face the fact that I need to one day assimilate into "the real world."
Lately, I've just been under this sad impression that a Liberal Arts degree--that thing which I had longed for so long in high school--serves relatively little purpse in "the real world."
Let me explain. The other day, my friend Sami and I were discussing possible majors, future plans, etc. We were saying something about how Grad school is becoming more and more of a necessity.
"You know, what," I had said, "it seems that liberal arts degrees are just a means to an end. They don't hold the same value they once did."
"I remember one time we had a speaker come to our high school," Sami replied, "and he said that a Liberal Arts degree nowadays is basically what a High School Dipolma used to be."
What she meant was that so many people have College Degrees, that they are virtually meaningless in gaining an "edge" over others. If you want a real "edge," you've gotta go to grad school or something like that.
I went to a CCAS (Cross-College Advising Service) meeting the other day, which was by all accounts pointless. However, I did glean a little bit from it. The lady said that "A liberal arts degree, in classical times, was something that only the extreme elite would receive!"
I thought about how much of a joke that is now. "Extreme elite"? Everybody gets a degree...
This is partially the reason I am looking into so-called "Pre-professional" programs--ie, Engineering. Or possibly Medicine (which would involve getting an undergrad and THEN moving on to Med school) I guess it'd just be nice to know that I'm working toward a tangible goal, and that I have a basic idea about the type of career I'm going to have.
I would absolutely love to major in English or Philosophy or Linguistics or any of those things, but career possiblities are so broad that it scares me. I don't want to graduate with an English degree and end up selling cars. I don't want to get a Philosophy degree only to become a manager of some business.
Do you see what I'm saying? At least with engineering, or medecine, I know exactly where I'm headed. Maybe it's not EXACTLY how I had pictured my future, but it is a pretty exact picture OF my future.
I really do love the idea of a Liberal Arts Degree. I think it's fantastic--studying a broad range of topics, taking a broad range of courses.
I like taking lots and lots of different things just because I love learning. I really don't want to narrow down my course range to what's required for some pre-professional degree.
and I guess the main question is this:
is remaining in school and getting some degree that I'm only half sure of worth it? financially? I am not a materialist person. Money is meaningless to me so long as I am doing what I love to do.
I don't know. I don't mean to crush anyone's dreams or to appear so pathetically jaded. I'm just expressing some doubts I have.
I'm definitely not going to just drop out of school either.
I just need some direction. I am in this gigantic research institution, with lots of great programs, but I'm not sure exactly where I'm heading. and I have not the time or the money to flounder around searching for it.
HM, Well this was not a ver
y optmistic or cheery blog! so, here is a STEAMY PICTURE OF 90's BOY BAND, 98 Degrees! I searched for "degree" in Google images and this picture came up. hahaha. it was pretty amusing. enjoy. Thursday, October 29, 2009
I swear I won't say what happened that night.
WARNING, DISTURBING IMAGE WILL FOLLOW:
To balance it out, I've also attached a really pretty photograph from one of those girly photo blogs I have been obsessing about lately! I don't know what it is about such blogs, but they are so addicting. They have such wonderful photography and art and pithy little life sayings. It makes me want to take an art class again. :(
Additionally, I'm sorry if the layout is a little out of whack. I am really not HTML-savvy, or any of those things, so some of the spacings/alignings may be a bit off.
The stars have aligned in such a fashion that I have no classes tomorrow!, but sleep sound so lovely. This week has been utterly exhausting.
Goodnight
(view at your own risk)
I've attached a photo of the burn I mentioned in the previous blog, so that everyone can see how B-A it is. It's amazing that WATER could wreak
such havoc...
To balance it out, I've also attached a really pretty photograph from one of those girly photo blogs I have been obsessing about lately! I don't know what it is about such blogs, but they are so addicting. They have such wonderful photography and art and pithy little life sayings. It makes me want to take an art class again. :(
Additionally, I'm sorry if the layout is a little out of whack. I am really not HTML-savvy, or any of those things, so some of the spacings/alignings may be a bit off.
Mm, anyways, I was just listening to "Cross My Heart" by the Rocket Summer, and I don't really care what anyone says about it. That will always be one of my favorite songs ever. It just reminds me of youth and freedom and being so wistful and naive. and it's just such a feel good song!
mmmm, endorphins...
Don't have much else to say, but I'm sure I will after this weekend. Saturday will be my first Halloween on State Street! haha, I s
hould probably be a little scared.
hould probably be a little scared.My friend Sara is being Juno, and I'm going to be Bleaker, HER BABY'S DADDY. I'm really excited. We went out to Ragstock today to purchase some yellow running shorts and a red/maroon sweatshirt. We tried modeling our respective costumes, and it looked pretty stellar, if I do say so myself. Pictures will be an absolute must, of course. :) :)
The stars have aligned in such a fashion that I have no classes tomorrow!, but sleep sound so lovely. This week has been utterly exhausting.
Goodnight
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
he took one look at my face and said "I can fix that hole in you"
THE FOLLOWING POST is a little lengthy, and it is much less philosophical than the last. It's much more in the nature of storytelling. Today was a day worthy of such a blog post, as you'll see...
If there is some kind award for the most awkward freshman, I think I should win it.
I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I have the adaptability to handle enormous transitional periods...
I don't think there was a more horrible way to begin this day.
So, first I woke up to some banging down the hallway, about an hour before my alarm went off. It was incessant. Apparently, someone had been locked out. But how he managed to wake me up without waking his roommate up is beyond me...
But, this wasn't a huge deal; I fell back asleep and woke up on time.
I headed over to Frank's for some breakfast. I even brought my Chemistry notes so as to utilize my time wisely! (unfortunately, as you'll see, this hindered me more than anything...)
I had just finished paying for my food at the cashier station and was about to sit down. I grabbed my cup filled with hot water (for tea!), but I must have been moving ENTIRELY too fast, and it consequently spilled all over my right hand.
"Oh my, are you okay?" the cashier had asked dispassionately.
"Yeah, I think I'm fine," I said, somewhat nonchalantly. I was going to add that spilled water was the least of my worries today. Unfortunately, the opposite would be true.
As I was walking away, I started to lose grip of my tray with my left hand. I don't quite remember how it happened, but I dropped my entire tray of food. It was horrible. And there I was, in the cafetria, the shattering still resounding among the superficial din of the room. I wanted to fucking cry. I was so incredibly stressed out, and that was the last thing that needed to happen.
I immediately set my books down on a nearby table, and ran back to my dumped tray. Thankfully, a student-employee had already begun to sweep it up. He told me not to worry about it.
I later found some friends from my dorm, and asked them what I was supposed to do now. They said I could take a new tray of food at no extra charge; it wasn't a big deal. However, in this short conversation, I noticed that the skin on my hand had begun to tear and fold away, exposing the delicate pink flesh underneath. Oh shit.
"That looks really bad," Alyssa, a girl from my dorm, had said.
"Yeah, I'd definitely get that looked at," Joey added.
"But I have lecture at 9:30. I don't really have time!"
"Skip it, you need to get that looked at."
I stirred over the decision in my mind and got a new tray of food.
This was the worst possible ultimatum ever: miss my LAST Philosophy lecture before the exam on Thursday and get my hand taken care of, or show up to it in immense pain.
I urgently ran to some other friends in the dorm. I went to Rachel first because she seemed knowledgeable on First Aid procedures (she had taken care of me on a prior date).
Even she said I should go to UHS (University Health Services) to get it looked at. If I tried to treat it myself, it could get infected.
This is also coupled with the fact that I had no freaking clue how to treat a burn.
So, I made up my mind to skip lecture and go to UHS.
...
"Just so you know, this isn't a walk-in clinic..." the receptionist had said to me.
It's amazing that she still had the audacity to mention this valuable little tidbit while my hand was still oozing pus. I understand that my situation wasn't exactly an emergency, but Christ, did I need to be having a heart attack in order to get some medical attention?
"I'm sorry, but the nurse is with someone else right now. You can wait, if you want."
"Well, I really don't have time..." I replied.
"Well, you know, these are decisions we all have to make... it's your own health care...."
I almost lost it at that point. I walked out, took the elevator all the way down to the first floor (in tears, mind you) and called my dad. I had no idea what to do at that point.
"Well, how bad is it?" my dad asked.
"I don't know, but I look like fuckin' Freddy Krueger with this hand... I've never had a burn like this before..."
Eventually, my dad convinced me that it'd be better to go and get it taken care of, since I was already there.
The nurse, when she was finally ready, was actually really sweet.
The only horrible part was when she had to peel off the excess skin with a tweezers. It wasn't horrifically painful, but I couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like if she had kept peeling my wound, till she had covered my entire arm, and then my torso, and then my entire body...
Somewhere in the midst of all this, I also couldn't help but think, "Wow, this will make great blogging material, eh?"
...
Ah, yes, but I guess I'll just rack up the whole experience up on my list of awkward freshman moments. I have many. I may compile them on here some day, for giggles. or to recount my misery... whatever you prefer, really.
Additionally, I guess the decision was made on my roommate:
He will be moved to another dorm if a room opens up. To be honest, I'm a little scared. I don't want him to leave. We aren't BFFs or anything, and we did have a bit of a falling-through when he made some rather insensitive comments about me, but all in all, we coexist. I trust him with my stuff in the room. He trusts me. It's all good.
The whole concept of some random straggler moving in with me is kind of frightening.
It could be infinitely horrible, or infinitely wonderful too, I guess.
I feel that their reasons for kicking Alex out are a bit faulty. They think he's going to be a "bad influence" on the dorm. But I think that's a complete crock. Yes, Alex drinks a lot, but if you don't drink, his mere presence won't make you WANT to drink or to completely disregard your morals. Additionally, everyone in the dorm LOVES him. I feel bad that he's going to have to start over entirely in a new dorm. Though I'm sure his new living mates will be equally as ENAMORED with him...
His ability to make people like him is something I still cannot completely understand. But that is a separate topic entirely, and I need not divulge at this moment.
...
ANYWAYS,
other facets of college life are going well. I'm doing pretty well in my classes.
I have A's in French and Linguistics (which, frankly, I'd be suprised if I DIDN'T have A's in those classes, since they are so easy) and a B in Chemistry. I didn't do AS WELL as I had wanted on this last Chem exam, but eh, I still have time to fix the grade. I'm not sure what exactly I'm getting in Philosophy, because we've only had two assignments... The prof didn't send out any six week grades.
I am not auditioning for the School of Music in November. I realized that I simply do not have enough time to prepare a well-polished audition in time. I still may audition for next year, but I don't know quite yet.
In all honesty, I'm still so confused about even broader ideas about the future. I don't even know if I want to stay here at Madison. Yes, it's a school of great quality, but there are many things about it I don't exactly dig. First of all, the whole party-school image is a little frustrating. Secondly, Madison is not a city. Madison is a college town. Despite whatever you hear, it is most definitely a college town. I miss the feel of that true urban landscape... I miss Milwaukee. I know for many Milwaukee is a pathetic little wisp of a city, but I had grown to love it in time. It's also a "city" in the truest sense. It is not a mere college town.
I miss Brady Street and Rochambo and the Hookah bar. I miss the Lakefront. I miss the Starbucks on every corner. I even miss West Allis and Johnny V's.
I always have these brief moments of epiphinal understanding, where my future just seems so simple and clear. A few minutes ago, for example, I was just sitting at my desk listening to Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis (whose lyrics are affixed to the title of this entry) and suddenly, everything seemed clear. I imagined myself back in Milwaukee. I imagined myself attending UWM. I imagined myself happy and free in the urban setting, not trapped inside this gigantic research institution.
In a way, I feel slightly ungrateful. I know many who would KILL to go to UW-Madison, but I am just not entirely sure yet if it is for me. It very well could be, for all I know. Just at the moment, I'm struck with this city-allure that only the warmth of Milwaukee can truly cure.
And other times I have moments where I think that remaining here in Madison wouldn't be so bad after all. In fact, it could be wonderful. I could rent out apartment next year with some good friends. I could study some more languages, because the language program here is pretty stellar.
but I waver constantly. It would help tremendously if I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to major in. but alas, this issue is so complex and constantly evolving that I cannot fully answer it yet.
I think I am finished divulging every mundane detail of my life for you.
French exam tomorrow, Philosophy on Thursday. Lovely.
Au bientot!
If there is some kind award for the most awkward freshman, I think I should win it.
I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I have the adaptability to handle enormous transitional periods...
I don't think there was a more horrible way to begin this day.
So, first I woke up to some banging down the hallway, about an hour before my alarm went off. It was incessant. Apparently, someone had been locked out. But how he managed to wake me up without waking his roommate up is beyond me...
But, this wasn't a huge deal; I fell back asleep and woke up on time.
I headed over to Frank's for some breakfast. I even brought my Chemistry notes so as to utilize my time wisely! (unfortunately, as you'll see, this hindered me more than anything...)
I had just finished paying for my food at the cashier station and was about to sit down. I grabbed my cup filled with hot water (for tea!), but I must have been moving ENTIRELY too fast, and it consequently spilled all over my right hand.
"Oh my, are you okay?" the cashier had asked dispassionately.
"Yeah, I think I'm fine," I said, somewhat nonchalantly. I was going to add that spilled water was the least of my worries today. Unfortunately, the opposite would be true.
As I was walking away, I started to lose grip of my tray with my left hand. I don't quite remember how it happened, but I dropped my entire tray of food. It was horrible. And there I was, in the cafetria, the shattering still resounding among the superficial din of the room. I wanted to fucking cry. I was so incredibly stressed out, and that was the last thing that needed to happen.
I immediately set my books down on a nearby table, and ran back to my dumped tray. Thankfully, a student-employee had already begun to sweep it up. He told me not to worry about it.
I later found some friends from my dorm, and asked them what I was supposed to do now. They said I could take a new tray of food at no extra charge; it wasn't a big deal. However, in this short conversation, I noticed that the skin on my hand had begun to tear and fold away, exposing the delicate pink flesh underneath. Oh shit.
"That looks really bad," Alyssa, a girl from my dorm, had said.
"Yeah, I'd definitely get that looked at," Joey added.
"But I have lecture at 9:30. I don't really have time!"
"Skip it, you need to get that looked at."
I stirred over the decision in my mind and got a new tray of food.
This was the worst possible ultimatum ever: miss my LAST Philosophy lecture before the exam on Thursday and get my hand taken care of, or show up to it in immense pain.
I urgently ran to some other friends in the dorm. I went to Rachel first because she seemed knowledgeable on First Aid procedures (she had taken care of me on a prior date).
Even she said I should go to UHS (University Health Services) to get it looked at. If I tried to treat it myself, it could get infected.
This is also coupled with the fact that I had no freaking clue how to treat a burn.
So, I made up my mind to skip lecture and go to UHS.
...
"Just so you know, this isn't a walk-in clinic..." the receptionist had said to me.
It's amazing that she still had the audacity to mention this valuable little tidbit while my hand was still oozing pus. I understand that my situation wasn't exactly an emergency, but Christ, did I need to be having a heart attack in order to get some medical attention?
"I'm sorry, but the nurse is with someone else right now. You can wait, if you want."
"Well, I really don't have time..." I replied.
"Well, you know, these are decisions we all have to make... it's your own health care...."
I almost lost it at that point. I walked out, took the elevator all the way down to the first floor (in tears, mind you) and called my dad. I had no idea what to do at that point.
"Well, how bad is it?" my dad asked.
"I don't know, but I look like fuckin' Freddy Krueger with this hand... I've never had a burn like this before..."
Eventually, my dad convinced me that it'd be better to go and get it taken care of, since I was already there.
The nurse, when she was finally ready, was actually really sweet.
The only horrible part was when she had to peel off the excess skin with a tweezers. It wasn't horrifically painful, but I couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like if she had kept peeling my wound, till she had covered my entire arm, and then my torso, and then my entire body...
Somewhere in the midst of all this, I also couldn't help but think, "Wow, this will make great blogging material, eh?"
...
Ah, yes, but I guess I'll just rack up the whole experience up on my list of awkward freshman moments. I have many. I may compile them on here some day, for giggles. or to recount my misery... whatever you prefer, really.
Additionally, I guess the decision was made on my roommate:
He will be moved to another dorm if a room opens up. To be honest, I'm a little scared. I don't want him to leave. We aren't BFFs or anything, and we did have a bit of a falling-through when he made some rather insensitive comments about me, but all in all, we coexist. I trust him with my stuff in the room. He trusts me. It's all good.
The whole concept of some random straggler moving in with me is kind of frightening.
It could be infinitely horrible, or infinitely wonderful too, I guess.
I feel that their reasons for kicking Alex out are a bit faulty. They think he's going to be a "bad influence" on the dorm. But I think that's a complete crock. Yes, Alex drinks a lot, but if you don't drink, his mere presence won't make you WANT to drink or to completely disregard your morals. Additionally, everyone in the dorm LOVES him. I feel bad that he's going to have to start over entirely in a new dorm. Though I'm sure his new living mates will be equally as ENAMORED with him...
His ability to make people like him is something I still cannot completely understand. But that is a separate topic entirely, and I need not divulge at this moment.
...
ANYWAYS,
other facets of college life are going well. I'm doing pretty well in my classes.
I have A's in French and Linguistics (which, frankly, I'd be suprised if I DIDN'T have A's in those classes, since they are so easy) and a B in Chemistry. I didn't do AS WELL as I had wanted on this last Chem exam, but eh, I still have time to fix the grade. I'm not sure what exactly I'm getting in Philosophy, because we've only had two assignments... The prof didn't send out any six week grades.
I am not auditioning for the School of Music in November. I realized that I simply do not have enough time to prepare a well-polished audition in time. I still may audition for next year, but I don't know quite yet.
In all honesty, I'm still so confused about even broader ideas about the future. I don't even know if I want to stay here at Madison. Yes, it's a school of great quality, but there are many things about it I don't exactly dig. First of all, the whole party-school image is a little frustrating. Secondly, Madison is not a city. Madison is a college town. Despite whatever you hear, it is most definitely a college town. I miss the feel of that true urban landscape... I miss Milwaukee. I know for many Milwaukee is a pathetic little wisp of a city, but I had grown to love it in time. It's also a "city" in the truest sense. It is not a mere college town.
I miss Brady Street and Rochambo and the Hookah bar. I miss the Lakefront. I miss the Starbucks on every corner. I even miss West Allis and Johnny V's.
I always have these brief moments of epiphinal understanding, where my future just seems so simple and clear. A few minutes ago, for example, I was just sitting at my desk listening to Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis (whose lyrics are affixed to the title of this entry) and suddenly, everything seemed clear. I imagined myself back in Milwaukee. I imagined myself attending UWM. I imagined myself happy and free in the urban setting, not trapped inside this gigantic research institution.
In a way, I feel slightly ungrateful. I know many who would KILL to go to UW-Madison, but I am just not entirely sure yet if it is for me. It very well could be, for all I know. Just at the moment, I'm struck with this city-allure that only the warmth of Milwaukee can truly cure.
And other times I have moments where I think that remaining here in Madison wouldn't be so bad after all. In fact, it could be wonderful. I could rent out apartment next year with some good friends. I could study some more languages, because the language program here is pretty stellar.
but I waver constantly. It would help tremendously if I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to major in. but alas, this issue is so complex and constantly evolving that I cannot fully answer it yet.
I think I am finished divulging every mundane detail of my life for you.
French exam tomorrow, Philosophy on Thursday. Lovely.
Au bientot!
Monday, October 26, 2009
begin.
Hello, sir or madam.
Allow me to introduce myself:
My name is Dan, and I’m a freshman at UW-Madison. I’m a million little conundrums packed in one little boy, so I won’t even begin to divulge… well, we’ve got time. A little divulging is all right…
I’m 18 years old. I am agnostic. I am gay. I am a moralist, in the sense that I am genuinely concerned about the consequences of my actions... though it's near impossible to separate what I truly believe from what I've been brainwashed to believe. I write very often; it's not so much a hobby as it is sustenance. I tend to ramble. I write as the thoughts occur to me. I never use outlines. I am always late. I lose things often... iPods, calculators, religious beliefs, dignity. It's just a matter of misplacing them, you know.
I typically keep a journal to myself on my laptop (since coming to school, I’ve filled some 50 word documents…) However, I decided to open up a bit more. And to become a bit more refined. Sometimes my private journal is so disgustingly sad-eyed and pathetic that I don’t even want to read it. So, here is my attempt to reconcile the wild pathos of my brain with calm communication with the real world… we’ll see how it goes.
I have many, many ideas as to what I want to major in here at UW-Madison, but I’m unable to zone in on any one. Don’t even get me started on this train of thought, because I probably will never shut up. I consume vast amounts of mental energy TRYING to figure out what exactly I want to major in. I’d say about 80% of the day is spent worrying. I won't get EXTREMELY in depth on this topic right now, since this is just an introductory blog. and also because I am certain that there will be many blogs to come which address the issue with more complexity. but, to give you a vague idea, here are some things I've been considering: engineering, pre-med (biology, whatever), piano performance, one or more foreign languages. journalism. education. philosophy. Clearly, I am a mess. I am strongly leaning toward auditioning for the school of music for next semester. It seems to make the most sense. If I don't get in, it wasn't meant to be. If I do get in, awesome. If I get in and I don't like it, I can easily switch. or double major.
Other college information: a boy in my hall hung himself during the first few weeks of school. since then a pair of new guys have been moved into his room, one of which threatened the other's life. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Some people are saying our house is cursed. I feel that's a bit disrespectful.
IN MORE RECENT NEWS, for those of you who are not up to date on my Facebook statuses, my Chemistry notebook was found! I was about to begin studying for an exam yesterday, when I noticed that it was MIA. I WENT INSANE. It was really an ugly moment… lots of illogical strings of cuss words, spewed out in attempt to rest my uneasy mind. It was really frustrating, all the more so because I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
However, I checked my e-mail today, and a TA had found my notebook!
The first thing I said was “Thank God!”
And for some reason, it actually resonated inside of me, as ludicrous as that sounds.
I’m not sure what this means. But as I was walking toward the Chemistry building in the rain, I was suddenly struck with this absurd feeling that yes, yes, yes, there is indeed someone watching over me.
This is either a testament to the fickleness of my beliefs, or to the fact that my faith had not wholly disappeared in the first place. I’m uncertain. And frankly I’m sick of worrying about it. Tomorrow I may wake up and still feel confused.
These arguments about God are beginning to tire me. I can’t stand them anymore. Mostly because both sides are so COCKSURE in their beliefs. They think all else is foolishness. An atheist thinks that believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever. In fact, they even find agnosticism (which one normally considers neutral) to be absolutely ludicrous too. But Christians are the same way. They think that NOT believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever (“The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’”) With this constant polarization, I am completely at a loss as to what I actually believe. I think I still am agnostic, despite this little felicitous happening.
but eh, I digress. This is quite possibly the most scatter-brained blog ever, usnure as to how I moved from introductory material, to lost chemistry notebooks, to arguments about the existence of God... but I figured I needed to start SOMEWHERE. so, glean whatever meaningful facts you can. future blogs will hopefully be more topic-oriented.
I have three exams this week. Cheers!
and a final comment, about the title:
Lento ma non troppo is a musical marking for tempo. Literally it means "slowly, but not too much." It is also affixed to one of my favorite pieces by one of my favorite composers: Chopin's Etude op. 10 no. 3 in E major. If you don't know me very well, I am a stressed out mess 99% of the time. I guess, in some roundabout way, this little Italian phrase offers some kind of comfort or inner-peace for me. It's also slightly ironic, because it is the exact opposite of how I actually live my life. I never move slowly, ever. And perhaps that just adds to the beauty of it
Allow me to introduce myself:
My name is Dan, and I’m a freshman at UW-Madison. I’m a million little conundrums packed in one little boy, so I won’t even begin to divulge… well, we’ve got time. A little divulging is all right…
I’m 18 years old. I am agnostic. I am gay. I am a moralist, in the sense that I am genuinely concerned about the consequences of my actions... though it's near impossible to separate what I truly believe from what I've been brainwashed to believe. I write very often; it's not so much a hobby as it is sustenance. I tend to ramble. I write as the thoughts occur to me. I never use outlines. I am always late. I lose things often... iPods, calculators, religious beliefs, dignity. It's just a matter of misplacing them, you know.
I typically keep a journal to myself on my laptop (since coming to school, I’ve filled some 50 word documents…) However, I decided to open up a bit more. And to become a bit more refined. Sometimes my private journal is so disgustingly sad-eyed and pathetic that I don’t even want to read it. So, here is my attempt to reconcile the wild pathos of my brain with calm communication with the real world… we’ll see how it goes.
I have many, many ideas as to what I want to major in here at UW-Madison, but I’m unable to zone in on any one. Don’t even get me started on this train of thought, because I probably will never shut up. I consume vast amounts of mental energy TRYING to figure out what exactly I want to major in. I’d say about 80% of the day is spent worrying. I won't get EXTREMELY in depth on this topic right now, since this is just an introductory blog. and also because I am certain that there will be many blogs to come which address the issue with more complexity. but, to give you a vague idea, here are some things I've been considering: engineering, pre-med (biology, whatever), piano performance, one or more foreign languages. journalism. education. philosophy. Clearly, I am a mess. I am strongly leaning toward auditioning for the school of music for next semester. It seems to make the most sense. If I don't get in, it wasn't meant to be. If I do get in, awesome. If I get in and I don't like it, I can easily switch. or double major.
Other college information: a boy in my hall hung himself during the first few weeks of school. since then a pair of new guys have been moved into his room, one of which threatened the other's life. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Some people are saying our house is cursed. I feel that's a bit disrespectful.
IN MORE RECENT NEWS, for those of you who are not up to date on my Facebook statuses, my Chemistry notebook was found! I was about to begin studying for an exam yesterday, when I noticed that it was MIA. I WENT INSANE. It was really an ugly moment… lots of illogical strings of cuss words, spewed out in attempt to rest my uneasy mind. It was really frustrating, all the more so because I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
However, I checked my e-mail today, and a TA had found my notebook!
The first thing I said was “Thank God!”
And for some reason, it actually resonated inside of me, as ludicrous as that sounds.
I’m not sure what this means. But as I was walking toward the Chemistry building in the rain, I was suddenly struck with this absurd feeling that yes, yes, yes, there is indeed someone watching over me.
This is either a testament to the fickleness of my beliefs, or to the fact that my faith had not wholly disappeared in the first place. I’m uncertain. And frankly I’m sick of worrying about it. Tomorrow I may wake up and still feel confused.
These arguments about God are beginning to tire me. I can’t stand them anymore. Mostly because both sides are so COCKSURE in their beliefs. They think all else is foolishness. An atheist thinks that believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever. In fact, they even find agnosticism (which one normally considers neutral) to be absolutely ludicrous too. But Christians are the same way. They think that NOT believing in God is the most ludicrous thing ever (“The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’”) With this constant polarization, I am completely at a loss as to what I actually believe. I think I still am agnostic, despite this little felicitous happening.
but eh, I digress. This is quite possibly the most scatter-brained blog ever, usnure as to how I moved from introductory material, to lost chemistry notebooks, to arguments about the existence of God... but I figured I needed to start SOMEWHERE. so, glean whatever meaningful facts you can. future blogs will hopefully be more topic-oriented.
I have three exams this week. Cheers!
and a final comment, about the title:
Lento ma non troppo is a musical marking for tempo. Literally it means "slowly, but not too much." It is also affixed to one of my favorite pieces by one of my favorite composers: Chopin's Etude op. 10 no. 3 in E major. If you don't know me very well, I am a stressed out mess 99% of the time. I guess, in some roundabout way, this little Italian phrase offers some kind of comfort or inner-peace for me. It's also slightly ironic, because it is the exact opposite of how I actually live my life. I never move slowly, ever. And perhaps that just adds to the beauty of it
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