Sexual Orientation... a Choice?

The human mind is a contradiction. It exists entirely on a confouding principle of self-contradiction, confusion, self-contradiction. Perhaps if everything fit together perfectly, it could not so exist.
Human society is a living contradiction. Everything about the human condition is a contradiction. Our mere existence is a contradiction.


It's hard to know exactly where to start. I'm feeling lots of things.
I guess, firstly, so as to avoid sounding ungrateful, I am very happy to be home again, and that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm also very happy that I was able to see my friends and family tonight.


Some bizarre, seemingly meaningless incident transpired tonight, about which I decided to write--or rather, I was driven to write. Perhaps some will say I am "over-reacting," but I'd say not. The words that began to form at the back of my mind, on the roof of my mouth, at the tips of my fingers, on the whole ride home, seemed to convince me that my feelings were indeed sincere.
But, I guess sometimes I can be a bit of a drama queen. Who knows, really.


I don't recall exactly how the topic was brought up, but my friends and I were playing cards, and somehow the topic of sexual orientation briefly passed our lips. It was not supposed to be anything special.
I remember saying, with laughter,
"Well, if you had said sexual orientation wasn't a choice, maybe I would have--"
"--Wait, it's not a choice?"
I remember staring incredulously.
"No...?"

We talked.
I love all my friends, and as I've said earlier, I don't want to seem ungrateful or sour about their presence. In fact, I think your best friends SHOULD be inspiring deep thought and meditation.
but I guess I was just a bit peturbed. Especially that my closest friends held this belief.
I guess I thought they understood me more than anyone else.
They still do, obviously. It's just strange to hear such things from them. The same things I'd heard over at dear Wisconsin Lutheran, and Woodlawn Evangelical Lutheran School.

I guess it was just strange too that my friends were just COCKSURE that sexual orientation was basically a choice, and that the argument ended there. Oh, no, no my friends! This issue is, dear God, almost TIMELESS. This whole nature vs nuture vs individual choice is an endless psychological and philosophical debate. Perhaps as timeless as the never-ending search for Good and Evil.
The argument does not INDEED end there. Hardly...

Someone later said, "Well, it's probably a bit of both..."
I still disagreed.

I guess, here is the main problem:
If you admit that sexual orientation is a choice--EVEN PARTLY--this leads to the idea that homosexuality or any alternative sexuality is an unnatural condition or set of desires.
I understand that my friends DID NOT mean to insinuate this in the slightest, but still, I think it's important to watch our words more carefully. It's also important to make sure you at least understand the other side before you completely make your judgment.

But there is much more here than just this idea of "unnaturalness." There is me, and my never-ending struggle for identity and peace of mind.
It's so strange to hear someone tell me that these feelings I've struggled with and grappled with and tried to understand my entire life were just a matter of poor decision-making at some point in my life. (well, I guess using the word "poor" is a little extraneous; mere decision-making suffices just as well, however.)
So are you saying that I DECIDED to be attracted by another male? or, conversely, that I DECIDED not to be attracted by a female?
And my struggle, my never-ending struggle for peace of mind. What about this? If it were just a choice, why wouldn't I just MAKE THE DECISION tomorrow morning to fall in love with/be sexually attracted to a woman and end the whole damn struggle?
It is because SEXUALITY IS NOT THAT SIMPLE.

and even further, especially myself, who has undergone twelve plus years of Christian indoctrination and brain-washing, why on earth would I CHOOSE to have desires that will "condemn me to hell"? That would be completely asinine! Self-destruction, at best!
And let me also say, in life, I rarely half-ass things. ESPECIALLY religion. When I was religious, I was whole-heartedly devoted. I DID believe firmly that I could go to hell. I DID understand firmly that my individual Christian sect agreed that homosexuality was a damnable sin.
So why, why, why would I decide to go ahead and CHOOSE to become a homosexual, being completely aware of all these things? Why wouldn't I just curve my sexuality to the norm, and avoid hell, damnation, social ostricization? It makes no sense.


I dunno, I've presented my point of view, but I'd really like to hear what others think. Am I entirely off my rocker?
I mean, is this a common idea people hold--that, indeed, sexual orientation is a choice?
I really did not think that anyone besides extreme Christian conservatives believed this.
I mean, one of my friends who said this was Atheist! so absurd!
but really, I do want to know what others think. Am I crazy? Did I just fuck up somewhere along the line and not realize it?