sometimes I think I want to sleep indefinitely. or to sleep for an indefinite period of time. and then I realize that that is basically the same thing as dying. yet I'm terrified of dying. so I might just be a hypocrite... I think what I want, more accurately, is just to sleep for the next 15 years. and then awake with a brand new, beautiful perspective.
today I ate half a bag of Lays and took an hour nap.
I need to stop being so anxious, because it just makes me exhausted.
in positive news, I've been songwriting like crazy since this semester started. I have around 10 videos on my camera of various songs I've been working on, (I use my camera because I have no other reliable means to record) and tons of other snippets of songs, verses, or refrains floating around in my brain. I always freak out about my relative creative output. I always think that I'm not doing enough, or not doing anything substantial, but I've realized that it just sort of happens. and I end up not even thinking about it too much.
but I just have tons and tons of ideas about songs. I record videos all the time, of just some silly little riff or refrain in my head. and then I start inventing harmonies while I'm listening. and I think about all the different layering I could do, if only I had the right equipment...
sigh, I don't know.
ah, and since I have Death Cab lyrics as my title, I might add a little tidbit I read about Ben Gibbard here.
I remember reading some interview where Ben was asked what he would be doing if he wasn't doing music. He didn't answer with any pretense. He was completely straightforward. He just said, "I'd wonder what went wrong."
that clear-eyed determination is beautiful. in a way, I envy artists who express themselves with only one medium. it makes things simpler. it clarifies things.
I think I'm approaching this sort of certainty. maybe. At the very least, I'm starting to realize where I do NOT belong.
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